One flew over the Alphane moon

Clans of the Alphane Moon is a very Dickian novel; someone who knows his work could read a paragraph or two from anywhere in the book and immediately know who wrote it.

The set-up is ingenious. A small, habitable moon was once the site of a Terran psychiatric hospital, but the hospital—and its patients—were abandoned years ago. They have survived, and formed clans, which the author introduces first only by abbreviations. The deps—depressives; the manses—manics; the pares—paranoids, and etc.

The Terrans want the moon back; it is part of a territory squabble between Earth and their former enemies, the Alphanes. They send a psychiatrist to evaluate the situation, with the idea that the former patients—now living on their own—will be re-hospitalized and treated, whether they like it or not.

The alien Jeff Bridges

I just watched this movie - Starman - again last week and found it as enjoyable as the first time around. It originally came out in 1984, and stars a delightfully young (weren't we all?) Karen Allen and Jeff Bridges, the latter of whom received an Oscar nomination for his performance.

The movie does not rely on special effects, one of the reasons it may have held up so well. It is, in essence, a road trip movie, with Allen as Jenny Hayden, a young widow who wakes up one night to find an alien in her house.

An alien who looks (thanks to the mysteries of advanced-civilization cloning) exactly like her late husband, Scott.

For reasons involving the big, bad paranoid US government, the alien/Scott needs to get the hell off planet Earth within three days, hence the road trip from Jenny's house in Wisconsin to the prescribed rendevous point, Meteor Crater in Arizona.

One quibble: Much as I loved Starman, which is alternately funny, romantic, touching, and thrilling, I would like to see -- just once - a science fiction movie in which the designated agents of the US government don't act like a pack of gun-happy, testosterone-crazed morons.

On the other hand, we do have one government agent - the wonderful Charles Martin Smith - who becomes our hero. He's been tapped for alien duty because he works for SETI, and is the one person who is truly awed to be in the presence of a real visitor from another planet.

Watching Smith light up a cigar at the end of the movie, with a big smile on his face - he's saved the alien's life, and knows he's about to get fired - is one of moviedom's little pleasures.

Jeff Bridges does a wonderful and hilarious job of existing in Jeff Bridge's body without knowing exactly what to do with it. Karen Allen is beautiful and vulnerable as the widow - but not too vulnerable, which is a great touch. She knows her way around a diner--and a gun. When the moment comes when she needs to use one, she does so with authority.

The scene where the alien brings Jenny back to life is pure magic. It is a lovely movie, with an ending that is happy and sad at the same time. Highly recommended.

The bat and the cat

Back to the angst.

Awhile ago I compared Star Trek to the Batman and Spiderman series, and afterwards I began thinking about, specifically, the second Batman movie. The one with Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, Danny DeVito as the Penguin, and Christopher Walken as another bad guy whose name I can’t remember.

I thought this movie suffered from one too many bad guys, by the way. Christopher Walken was born to play the villain in a Batman movie; they should have stuck with him and left the Penguin for another time. Preferably never. I can still remember the scene where DeVito – blackened teeth oozing – eats a raw fish.

Who wants to see that? Who wants to pay to see that?

Although this movie is far from a favorite (I never got over the fish) it does have one scene that remains indelibly in memory: Michelle Pfeiffer -- mysteriously returned to life after been thrown out a window by Walken – goes medieval on her apartment, and trashes the girl right out of it.

I experienced this scene viscerally. In fact, it is one of only two movie scenes that I have ever had that kind of gut-deep reaction to (the other one being the first Russian roulette scene in The Deer Hunter).

I’m not sure men had the same reaction to that scene. I’m not sure a younger woman would have that reaction. I’m not even sure I’d experience it the same way today. But at the time it was the entire feminist movement rolled up and made concrete. I could almost feel Michelle Pfeiffer tearing up her bedroom under my own fingertips.

At the end – she’s made herself a skin-tight cat-suit in the middle of all the demolition – she stands in the window and says (to her cat?) “I don’t know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.”

Now, that’s sexual revolution. And worth the whole movie.

Unfortunately, angst takes over from there. Of course, Catwoman and Batman fall in love. Of course they can’t be together, what with him being rich and her being beautiful and . . . yeah, I don’t know either.

At the end Batman reveals himself to her as Bruce Wayne. And she says:

“Bruce...I would..I would love, to live with you in your castle...forever just like in a fairytale . . . I just couldn't live with myself. So don’t pretend this is a happy ending.”

Nice line. But why the hell not have a happy ending? Geez, people, lighten up.

I always thought there would be another movie where Catwoman and Batman get together; it never happened, and life moved on.

Earth girls, alien boys

Earth Girls are Easy (1988). Well, what can you say? I think one of the reviews on amazon.com sums it up nicely: "I recommend this movie for anyone who enjoys turning their mind off for an hour and a half."

That's a major positive, in my book. Another two-word positive: Jeff Goldblum. I actually watched an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent last week (normally avoided like the plague), just to see him.

(He was great, by the way. The plot and writing not so much, but after a gazillion episodes I guess that was to be expected.)

Both Goldblum and Geena Davis were in their thirties during the filming; both of them look young and lovely and impossibly gorgeous, and their chemistry together (they were either married or about to get married at that point) is obvious. Goldblum is one of a trio of aliens who have landed in Davis' backyard pool. The other two aliens are played by by Damon Wayans and a very young Jim Carrey; you could watch this movie for no other reason than to see those two comic actors at work before they were uber-famous.

I shouldn't ignore Julie Brown; I didn't know much about her before the movie, and still don't, but she wrote and performed at least two of the movie's songs (yes, there are songs) - and one of them ("I like them big and stupid" - you kind of had to be there) is an all-time personal favorite.

Brown co-wrote as well as acted in Earth Girls, and she gets some of the best lines: (Looking closely at one of the trio of aliens, who in their original form are hairy all over): "Well I see split ends are universal."

Davis and Brown play cosmetologists, by the way. Brown's character decides that the aliens need a complete makeover and Carrey, Wayans and Goldblum each re-appear after a full-body depilatory, looking very human.

Wow. A serious eye-candy-for-girls moment.

Anyway. Also not to miss:

Geena Davis trashing her fiance's house (Football in the microwave! Bowling ball rolled into the computer screen!) while wearing a blond wig and singing Steinberg and Kelly's 'The Ground You Walk On'.

Jim Carrey as a blond.

Anything Goldblum does or says. Remember watching Three Men and a Baby, and Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson were both great and really cute, but then Tom Selleck walks on screen and it was - whoa - different? That's what Goldblum is in this film.

I can't say it any better than the amazon reviewer did. Need a mental margarita? Watch Earth Girls are Easy.

I've been on vacation . . .

But we'll be back on schedule shortly. Stay tuned!

Fire and Ice

I’d been planning to write about Heinlein’s Citizen of the Galaxy today, but I happened to see the movie Sunshine last night, and as this movie is sci-fi to the max, I thought I’d write about it while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Be forewarned: spoilers below.

The movie is set in the near future. The sun, for reasons that the audience does not (and does not need to) know, has grown dimmer; not enough to kill everyone on the planet as yet, but enough that this will be the near-time outcome. Our heroes are eight astronauts aboard the spaceship Icarus 2 (Icarus 1 having mysteriously disappeared), which is carrying the biggest, baddest nuclear bomb that humanity could put together, with the idea that sending it into the sun will goose our star back into its old output.

It’s a desperate attempt, but it just might work, and our heroes might make it home safely—until they receive a faint distress signal from the missing Icarus 1, and decide on a short diversion to check it out.

The decision to divert is bitterly resisted by at least one member of the crew, the engineer Mace, who states the obvious; that the choice is between rescuing ALL of humanity vs. a few stranded astronauts (besides, how could they still be alive?), and that they should stick strictly to their mission.

But another crewmember points out that Icarus 1 also carried a bomb; and two bombs, two last chances, are better than one. They do divert, which is a mistake; a series of accidents results, compounded with sabotage, and although they manage to launch the bomb, everyone dies.

Well, except for the people back on earth. One of the interesting things about this movie is that even when the audience discovers, at the end, that the mission has been a success – Earth is saved! woo hoo! – it doesn’t matter. The only people we really care about are dead. All politics is local, I’ve heard: all emotion seems to be as well. The salvation of humanity is not enough to make Sunshine a happy film.

One of the two women on board--Cassie—makes this point when she votes against killing a crewmember, even though unless they reduce oxygen consumption by one person’s worth they will not be able to complete their mission. One individual's life against billions?

“I know the argument,” Cassie says. “I know the logic. You're saying you need my vote. I'm saying you can't have it.”

I was also struck by the contrasting themes of fire and ice in the movie; the sun is dimmer, yes, but not that dim: as they approach the orbit of Mercury the astronauts are in constant danger of dying if the ship’s shielding is not aimed just right. The sun becomes a character in this movie; purveyor of annihilation as well as life, and several characters do, indeed, burn to death.

On the other hand, the cold of space is also a danger, and one character dies, frozen, outside the ship.

Another crewmember ends up with a choice of ways to die; he chooses fire.

It’s a haunting movie. I can’t say I enjoyed it, really, but it sticks with you. I have only one criticism, which relates to an unanticipated character who shows up near the end; the insane captain of Icarus 1, who sneaks on board Icarus 2 after the rendezvous.

Our heroes think all the crewmembers of the first ship are dead. They aren’t, and the attacks and sabotage committed by Captain 'totally bonkers' Pinbacker are shot in such a way to suggest something paranormal. He’s crazy, sure – no problem – but why is he filmed so strangely, as if he was some kind of ghost/creature/thing?

Up to that point (and this is late in the film) Sunshine has been the hardest of hard sci-fi. Now it’s -- what? A creepy supernatural horror movie? Huh? Other reviewers have also commented that this sudden side trip into slasher territory was not successful.

I still recommend it. You won’t feel quite the same way about our closest star again.

Is The Phantom Menace really such a bad movie?

Well, I was tempted to make this the shortest blog ever.

"Yes."

But critics are the cheap tricks of the movie world. George Lucas went to the trouble of making the damn thing, and all we do is complain. And I think the director's response might be something on the order of "Fine, if you don't like my movie, go make one yourself."

Good luck with that. Plus, I'm categorically annoyed with any critic who declares a movie good or bad, when what they really mean is I liked it, or I didn't like it.

OK. I didn't like the movie. So sue me.

Too much CGI, for one thing. Sure, the first Star Wars had special effects--they were extraordinary for its time--but our interest was also directed to the major characters. These characters included C-3PO and R2-D2, neither of whom was CGI.

They all felt real. Unlike the very much not real flying junk shop dealer (Anakin Skywalker's boss) - or the announcer at the race -- and don't even get me started on Jar-Jar Binks.

A second problem was with the character of Anakin Skywalker himself. The child actor playing Anakin was not good, as anyone who's seen the movie knows. But he was a child. I blame the director. Too much time spent on the CGI, George. Help the kid out.

Anakin's character presented another problem, which wasn't quite as obvious until the next movie came out and Anakin and Queen Amidala become lovers. She looked like she was an adult when she met Anakin as a young child. Eeuuww. (According to Wikipedia, Queen Amidala was supposed to be 14 in The Phantom Menace. That definitely didn't come across.)

Lucas has answered his critics by saying that the movie was for children. Which would have been a point, except - yeah, no, it's not. Way too dark and violent -- the make up on Darth Maul alone would give some kids nightmares. And has he forgotten that Anakin kills an entire group of children in one of the later movies? You might not see it on screen, but what are you going to tell little Susie and little Johnny about what happened to them?

I'll end with something I liked: the final light saber duel between Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul. Cool. And of course it was nice to see Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson in the first place. I wish they would have had more to do.

I was channel surfing a couple days ago, and happened on one of the I, II, III trilogy. I watched for a few minutes. I couldn't remember which one it was. I had no idea what was happening. If it had been one of the IV, V, VI trilogy, I could have told you everything.